In these early morning hours, with the day stretching before me (with calendar squares filled in, shaping who I’m becoming), I find myself with the longing to stay at home. Not because I’m unthankful for my office job – even as some stress lingers in anticipation of what the first three weeks of October will be like with a coworker away. Nor is it because I want to cocoon myself away with stories read or watched and some good chocolate – though an hour or two of that would not hurt my feelings. No, it’s more an unsettledness in my soul that won’t sit still long enough for me to put my finger on what, exactly, it is.
(But even as that last sentence was typed, I think, “I know what it is.” And perhaps it’s more a case of being … apprehensive? To put it into words?)
See, that’s the things with some dreams/goals – at least, I’m finding, in the beginning stages: They need to be guarded. The reasons for the guarding may vary. It may be a case of there not yet being anything to be seen. The seed, as it were, is still underground. Or it’s a case of the dream or goal still being in the planning stages. The exact seed still needs to be selected. Perhaps it’s a case, too, of the dream or goal having just sprouted up, and you’re guarding it because you don’t want it to be trampled with well-intentioned words (or careless ones) from others or from yourself. Because it’s easy to rain down on something with practicalities and past experiences (and failures) until life and hope is snuffed out.
And sometimes … Sometimes it could even be a case of the dream, of the longing needing to be tucked away for a little while, because sometimes the practicalities of life, the “every day” things do need to be looked after first.
What it all boils down to is this: It’s not time to share the dream or the goal with others. It needs whatever is still, well, needed for it to take root, to grow, and to bear good fruit. And often the process of sorting all that out is the hardest one to make it successfully through.
Or is it just me? Am I just delaying the work that lies ahead?