Yesterday it was the cleaning of bathrooms I wanted to put off. It’s not like they were in terrible shape, could not have been given what my grandma would call ‘a lick and a promise’ for a better cleaning on a better day. Until I thought of all the other times I had done something similar and regretted it before the week was over. So I gathered up my cleaning supplies while Jeff went outside to mow the lawn, and we soon had our respective tasks done.
Today it is the writing of words I want to put off. I tell myself it’s not like they will be missed if they’re not here for however many eyes to actually read, for any ear to hear should they ever be read aloud. There will be another day, a better day to figure out what to get out via pen and paper, via bits and bytes on a computer screen. Until I think of all that can change in the blink of an eye with these days like vapour, and I remember all the tomorrows which are now yesterdays with hardly a word or a story written, never mind shared. So I gather myself up, and I start to type.
I want to return to a love of writing. Before worries about page views and platforms with varied definitions of success started to shade so many things. Before I realized I’d never be as good as so-and-so, they who had dreamed of being a writer since a child, who had put in the time and the effort, who picked themselves up time and again and pushed through the hard days because they actually are A Writer. Whereas I feel like a bit of a talentless hack too many days, like I’m still trying to grow into this mantle while worried I never will.
The fact I still peck out words here, still long to hold space for telling stories is a good sign, gives this quietly optimistic heart hope all is not lost nor irretrievably wasted. But, again, where is the love of story that once had me churning out fanfic stories with some regularity, had me plunking myself down for over a dozen Novembers for National Novel Writing Month? I’d like to find out how that could look now, with these added years and things learned. What stories are there to tell now?