sometimes i wonder
Forty-seven years old, and it seems I’m still fighting some fights on repeat:
- Where do I fit in?
- What is God’s plan/purpose for this life?
- Have I irreparably messed up XYZ?
- Do people actually like me?
Not that this loop goes around constantly – I truly thank God for that. But certain questions pop up every so often, and I find myself wrestling with them once again.
Jeff and I were recently talking about such things when out for a walk. We shared some of the things we’ve been struggling with, and wondered if certain things that were happening were due to our missing the mark in an area of life. Are we experiencing the negative consequences of our actions? Or, Jeff posited, is it a case of the things we’ve been seeking approval/affirmation in being brought up? Is it a case of needing to see clearly where we’re seeking the approval of other people rather than seeking to do that which is pleasing to God?
I know for myself, there has been too much seeking the approval of others, worried as I’ve been by what so-and-so must think of this-and-that. It’s allowed jealousy and resentment to flair up in me as well. Concerns about not measuring up to the standards others, of thinking I don’t have a place where I genuinely belong – flaws and all – make for fertile ground for such things. And jealousy and resentment are never kind to whoever they’re directed at, nor are they to the person doing the directing.
It would be lovely to be able to say I’ve got this all wrapped up, but I don’t. But I’m aiming to learn the lessons needed in this season, and that for now is enough.
Oh, and if you have six minutes and 42 seconds, give the below song a listen. It may do your heart some good, as it has mine in more than one season.