No, this isn't some sort of self-absorbed, existentialist exercise. It actually stems from the Bible study class I attend on Wednesday nights. This past week our associate pastor (who leads the class) asked what we would like people to say about us after we die. There were answers about being good Christians and good parents, but it seemed we were missing the point a bit. Or at least I thought I was maybe missing the point. Because it's easier to give what sounds like the 'right answer' sometimes than to say what I'm really thinking in case it's wrong.
I know, I know -- not a great way to be when approaching 40. I mean, I should have at least some things sorted out by now, right?
But there I sat, having shared that I wanted to be remembered as having been a Christian not because I wore a T-shirt or tweeted or posted on Facebook that I was, but because of how I lived my life. And I do want that. I don't think I'm there yet, but I do want it.
Yet when I got home, my answer still wasn't sitting right with me. It didn't really ring true.
So I prayed about it and some other things that had been rolling around inside of me that evening. And I realized what I want for people to say about me after I die is that they'll miss me. They'll miss my smile, my laugh, my wit . . . they'll miss me. Because I've struggled with feelings of not being 'missable'. A good chunk of the problem stems from my own behaviour. I can get too caught up in my own cares and worries and life to pay much attention to what's going on in the lives of the people around me.
I don't set out to do this.
But I do.
And I'm not in the least bit proud of it.
So if I can do so to others, who is to say it won't happen to me?
But I know, deep down, the best thing I can do is to not focus on the 'what about me' bit. It keeps getting me into trouble. Because the 'missable' people in this world are often the ones who make you and I feel as though we are that in spades.
Something to think about at any rate, at least for me.