A Coffee and Not a Friday
The usual Friday blog post did not happen for two reasons:
- Thursday evening I was part of the small group lending help and support to my youngest niece as she begins her search for her wedding dress. By the time I did get home, I had been gone from my house for over 12 hours, and was simply ready to hang out with my hubby and our cat.
- My “get up early on Friday” plan quickly fell by the wayside when the not-quite-awake me elected to hit the snooze button on my alarm rather than get up early. Blergh. But some days one simply needs the extra sleep. And yesterday was such a day.
Be prepared for some randomness, y’all.
I am really enjoying JJ Heller’s new album Sound of a Living Heart. I listened to most of it for the first time alone in my car. And it’s simply lovely. Two favourite tracks at present are “This Year (Happy New Year)” and “Scarlet Thread”. (Though, honestly, I appreciate them all. For instance, this song may have made me cry the first time I heard it.)
It’s funny sometimes how the realization a particular hope has been forever dashed will remind you of its irreparable brokenness. I’ve had one pop up and poke around during the last week or so, and I honestly didn’t know what to do with it. In part that was due to it bringing with it the memory of an offer to help, to heal that which at the time was holding the hope at bay. And I was eager, was ready to take that help, that answer then and there before being told, literally, “No, I’ll call you later.”
The call never came.
I never thought to pursue the person and press for the solution to be shared, either. I somehow had it in my head I shouldn’t. Then, before I even fully realized what was happening, time ran out.
I still feel there was some sort of a test I failed there, something I should have done in order to be given the proffered help. But it’s too late for that now. There isn’t even a point in following up now with the person who said they had the answer. What would it solve?
Zip, that’s what.
I am where I am now. And as I was reminded (for the millionth time, I’d wager) none of this is knocking God off His throne. He knew I’d be here, right at this spot, and He is prepared. There is provision. But I do need to choose to take the help to move forward, to move past mistakes and regrets so I may enjoy and appreciate all I do have now. Because living in the past, in “what ifs” and “should haves” sucks the life and joy out of a person. I know. I was pretty joyless there for a stretch, but it’s coming back in. And I am glad.
I think I’m finally done with trying to fit in with the ever-elusive “cool” or “in” crowd. An awkward admission to be making at 43 years of age, but it has tripped me up more to keep trying to fit whatever it is I’m trying to fit into socially.
I’d just like to be “me”, thank you, and allow God’s Spirit the freedom to change was truly does need changing in me. The cool thing is when I allow space for that process in me I’m much better about giving grace to others to be “them”, too.
But it’s getting close to the time to meet some of the family for breakfast, so I had best sign off.
Happy Saturday, all!