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A Letter to the Crest 3D Whitestrips Lady

'3D? Do you need to wear glasses to see your whitened teeth?' photo (c) 2010, Tony Buser - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/Hello 3D Crest Whitestrips Lady, May I call you Martha? You seem like you could possibly be a Martha. Plus, 'Crest 3D Whitestrips Lady' is quite a mouthful. There may be a pun in there somewhere, but it escapes me. I'm a little distracted/blinded by the whiteness of your teeth.

I see you have a new TV commercial out, which is good. I had started turning off the TV or changing the channel when your other one came on. You know the one -- you're enjoying a nice afternoon at an outdoor cafe when a friend calls to invite you to a fancy event. You checked your teeth to see if you could go. They looked really white already, so I don't know what you were concerned about. And I noticed you had a mirror handy for a quick teeth check. Couldn't you have used a spoon? Or would that have not been classy? Either way, it looked like you had fun after you whitened your teeth and got all dolled up for the event. I bet some of the photographers at the event you went to didn't have to use their flashes. Your teeth looked like they could take care of any low-light issues quite nicely.

I'd like to have teeth as white as yours. And I don't think any amount of whitestrips are going to get them that white, either. I've used them. But they make my teeth ache after awhile.

Do your teeth ache? Is that why you smile so much? You're only trying to hide your pain? And really, can't you go on a road trip (as you do in your new commercial) without having to whiten your already white teeth? At least your brought some for your friends, too. I bet you would have all had a lousy time if you didn't have super-white teeth. Do your teeth glow in black light like Ross's did that one time on Friends? He used a gel though; maybe the strips are different. It does make me wonder (but not really) how my husband and I enjoyed our tropical vacation a couple of years ago without using whitestrips. We didn't even use a whitening toothpaste. Boy, we must have missed out on a lot of fun and adventure with our dingy white smiles.

But I'm not trying to run you down, Martha. That wouldn't be nice. I simply don't want you to hurt your teeth. Or lead people to think their lives would be better if only their smiles were whiter. Because that seems, oh, I don't know . . . kind of shallow. I know you're only doing your job -- you're a spokesperson, you need to pay the bills too. But I do hope you don't have any big plans that require you to whiten your teeth for awhile now. By the way, what would constitute a 'non-teeth whitening event'? Going to work? School? A family event where you won't meet any cute, single guys? I bet Ryan Gosling wouldn't care if your teeth weren't their absolute whitest.

It's just a thought.

Happy whitening! From, Me

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